1
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MUSIC: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

2
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<i>I'm not sick but I'm not well</i>

3
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<i>And I'm so hot</i>

4
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<i>Cos I'm in hell</i>

5
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'Shoes. The boringest purchase.
If only Sophie was here.

6
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'We could horse around
and spray suede protector about.

7
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'Come on, Mark, it's Sophie and Jeff now.
That's fine, it's not Armageddon.

8
00:00:33,980 --> 00:00:38,452
'Relax. Live a little.
Could get brown brogues.

9
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'Best stick to black.
Don't want to go completely mental.'

10
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,742
Can I help you?

11
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:48,060
Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
I'm after some shoes.

12
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I did think brown brogues,
but I'd look like a spiv.

13
00:00:52,745 --> 00:00:58,697
'Spiv? Of course, because this is 1942
Come on, she's only a nice girl.'

14
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Say which ones, cos one time
I recommended shoes, the person tried them on

15
00:01:04,429 --> 00:01:06,784
and they didn't look good,

16
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but then they bought them and I felt bad.

17
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Sorry, you didn't need to know that.

18
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No, it's fine.

19
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I was thinking black, size eight.
But broad. I have a broad foot.

20
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Yeah? Doesn't feel so broad.

21
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But you know how broad they are!

22
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No, I just thought they were broad.

23
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'Keep feeling my foot. Please.'

24
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If we were using
Ancient Egyptian measurements,

25
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I'd say it was about a fifth of a cubit,
or one hand. Your foot's a hand.

26
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Sorry, that's the geekiest joke.

27
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No, I thought it was funny.
I like Ancient Egypt, too.

28
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OK, I'll get you a couple of pairs.

29
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'Knows about cubits, not comfortable
in her own skin. She's one of me! '

30
00:01:57,843 --> 00:02:02,965
So, Hans - old issue, I know,
but the band name.

31
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It's a statement,
but what does the statement... mean?

32
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There you go. Free munchies.

33
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- Did you just nick this?
- Course. They should pay me to eat this shit.

34
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Free chocco. Mm, tasty.

35
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The secret ingredient is crime.

36
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So, Jez, you know Pete Preston's outfit,
the Executioner's Bong?

37
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- Yeah, bunch of wankers.
- Exactly.

38
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They want me
to front them for a couple of gigs.

39
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What?

40
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I'm gonna have to quit Coming Up For Blair.

41
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You can't be in two bands -
Tom Petty tried that. Nearly killed him.

42
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What about me? And you owe me for the
computery thing we don't know how to work.

43
00:02:44,776 --> 00:02:48,326
Maybe I can get you in on... maracas.

44
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I won't be Bez. I wanna be in there on merit.

45
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,089
You won't make it on merit.

46
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Just get me in. Then we'll see about merit.

47
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'It's cool. I'm not a stalker.
I thank shop girls with chocolates.

48
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:09,854
'I just happened to pop by a few days later to
let her know I've broken them in. That's my line.'

49
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- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir?

50
00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:15,623
I'm looking for April. I'm a friend and...

51
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You're a friend of April's?

52
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No, but obviously April's at university now.

53
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:28,741
Of course. Of course she is.
We were talking about that. OK, thanks.

54
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'Do a Columbo. Do a Columbo.'

55
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Just... remind me,
which university has April gone to?

56
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Dartmouth.

57
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Dartmouth. Of course. Dartmouth. Thanks.

58
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'Good old Columbo. Just the one
technique, but shits on Quincy.'

59
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Yup, going on tour, baby.
The important thing is... I'm not Bez.

60
00:03:51,595 --> 00:03:54,474
Excellent, baby! What's a bez?

61
00:03:54,516 --> 00:03:57,189
Oh, er, Bez in American...

62
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He's like... You know
Flavor Flav from Public Enemy?

63
00:04:00,237 --> 00:04:00,987
No.

64
00:04:01,038 --> 00:04:05,794
Well, he's like him. But with maracas.

65
00:04:05,839 --> 00:04:10,391
Right. Hey, Jez is going
on a nationwide music tour!

66
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Three dates across the south coast,
100 quid a gig. You do the math.

67
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:18,361
So you're all piling round in a van?

68
00:04:18,402 --> 00:04:24,195
Well, I'll be going by National Express.
You can't make a van bigger than it is.

69
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No matter how much I or anyone else
may wish it were a bit... bigger.

70
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You do the math.

71
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- S. Math-s. Where are you going?

72
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All the biggies.
Southampton, Dartmouth, Plymouth.

73
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I wish I wasn't working.
I'd love to see the English Riviera.

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- Dartmouth?
- The very student union where we met.

75
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Cool.

76
00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:49,003
'This isn't stalking. I want to support Jez.'

77
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- So, they good, this band?
- Bunch of wankers.

78
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I'd love to come, then.

79
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I bet you don't get these in the van.
Air on or off.

80
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How long does it take again?

81
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Just eight and three-quarter hours.

82
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Wicked. Thank God we're not in the van.

83
00:05:07,976 --> 00:05:10,207
I can't believe we're going back to Dartie.

84
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<i>- There's no quim likes to party
- Like the quim down in Dartie</i>

85
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Those were the days.
Did you ever appeal about your degree mark?

86
00:05:20,099 --> 00:05:23,331
Who cares about that shit?
I didn't go to university to get a degree.

87
00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:24,734
No. Of course.

88
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No use regretting the past.
I wish I'd done Ancient History...

89
00:05:28,782 --> 00:05:29,897
I thought you did.

90
00:05:29,942 --> 00:05:33,299
I did Business Studies, Jeremy, for three years.

91
00:05:33,343 --> 00:05:36,142
- And I talked to you about it daily.
- Right.

92
00:05:36,184 --> 00:05:40,497
'I could say it's all ancient
history now. He wouldn't like it.'

93
00:05:40,545 --> 00:05:42,980
Well, it's all ancient history now.

94
00:05:48,027 --> 00:05:50,940
'Ha! I'm gonna razz those fuckers.'

95
00:05:50,988 --> 00:05:53,787
Mark, look, it's Super Hans and the band.

96
00:06:02,151 --> 00:06:04,871
- 'You've reached the voicemail of...
- Super Hans.

97
00:06:04,912 --> 00:06:06,982
'Please leave a message.'

98
00:06:07,032 --> 00:06:10,912
That guy. I love that guy. That is so funny.

99
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'You won't be laughing so hard
when the loan repayments kick in, buddy.

100
00:06:22,117 --> 00:06:24,711
'I suppose you can always defer.

101
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'Showtime. "Just swinging through town,
thought I'd check what's hot at the Arts Fac."

102
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'After she's thrown up,
we can go for a pizza. I think that's her! '

103
00:06:36,721 --> 00:06:40,954
H... Hello? Hi. Sorry. Hello?

104
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'Shit! Where's she going?

105
00:06:43,162 --> 00:06:47,874
'I'm not licensed to be in this far.
I'm following her! Shit!

106
00:06:47,924 --> 00:06:52,919
'What am I gonna do next, take secret photos
and lie masturbating in my own filth? '

107
00:06:52,965 --> 00:06:55,605
Sorry, do I recognise you?

108
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Er, the... shoe shop?

109
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Black brogues. I thought I was
broad-footed, you felt otherwise.

110
00:07:02,728 --> 00:07:05,607
Wow! What are you doing here?

111
00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:09,484
Sorry, you're obviously a student.
Are you doing history too?

112
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,680
Er... yeah.

113
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- Wow. Who's your tutor?
- Professor...

114
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MacLeish.

115
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You're here for the tutorial. Sorry. I'm a bit slow.

116
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They'll soon knock that out of me.

117
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Along with any individuality. Not that I've got any.

118
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OK. Come on.

119
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After you.

120
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:39,808
'Why am I walking into the jaws of death?

121
00:07:39,858 --> 00:07:42,168
'They're best avoided, that's common knowledge.'

122
00:07:42,219 --> 00:07:45,053
Yes. So. Here we are.

123
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Another exciting trawl down the vista of history.

124
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:54,572
There is no new history,
only new historians. Ha, ha.

125
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Were you here last week?

126
00:07:56,263 --> 00:07:58,094
Me?

127
00:07:58,143 --> 00:08:01,102
'This is my moment of madness,
my Clapham Common.'

128
00:08:01,144 --> 00:08:05,263
Er, no. I'm... I'm new. I'm mature.

129
00:08:05,305 --> 00:08:11,177
I went to Coventry for a week in error.
Lovely. Destroyed in the war. Obviously.

130
00:08:11,227 --> 00:08:15,619
There was a mix-up.
I'm not on the forms but I'm... here now.

131
00:08:15,668 --> 00:08:19,264
Well, obviously. Fine. What did you make of it?

132
00:08:19,309 --> 00:08:23,940
'Is that how easy it is
to steal some education?

133
00:08:23,990 --> 00:08:26,585
'Bloody hell! Who's in charge?

134
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:32,981
'The world's just people going into rooms
and saying things? It's all a swizzle? '

135
00:08:33,033 --> 00:08:35,946
I thought there were contradictions.

136
00:08:35,994 --> 00:08:39,590
They suggested Christ's Galilee
was culturally Roman.

137
00:08:39,635 --> 00:08:41,944
Not that old fallacy?

138
00:08:41,995 --> 00:08:45,875
The Romans didn't station a legion
in Galilee till, what, 130 AD?

139
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,953
Yes, indeed.

140
00:08:47,997 --> 00:08:51,149
But I suppose all research funding
leads to Rome.

141
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,870
What was your name again?

142
00:08:52,918 --> 00:08:55,911
Corrigan. Mark Corrigan.

143
00:08:55,959 --> 00:09:02,070
'I'm doing it, Dad. I'm studying Ancient History
and there's not a thing you can do! '

144
00:09:03,241 --> 00:09:09,842
'I'll give them a hand.
Not that I'm a roadie. I'm just helping out.

145
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:14,002
'I bet Ringo had to carry stuff.
Not that I'm anything like Ringo.'

146
00:09:14,044 --> 00:09:15,160
Are you in Executioner's Bong?

147
00:09:15,205 --> 00:09:16,399
I sure am, little lady.

148
00:09:16,445 --> 00:09:18,242
- Would you sign this?
- Fuck, yeah.

149
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:24,837
Jez, when you've finished that,
could you get us six lattes?

150
00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:29,004
That is so Pete.
Fuck off, Pete.

151
00:09:29,048 --> 00:09:33,282
It's just a... little thing we have going.

152
00:09:33,330 --> 00:09:35,798
You've seen Spinal Tap, yeah?

153
00:09:35,850 --> 00:09:37,523
Good luck with this week's reading.

154
00:09:37,571 --> 00:09:42,805
If you're plagiarising, don't do it from a book
I've written. It's almost bound to ring a bell.

155
00:09:42,852 --> 00:09:45,447
Mark, April, hold on.

156
00:09:45,493 --> 00:09:51,843
I'm having a gathering tonight for potential
contributors to my folly, Rhombus Magazine.

157
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:54,170
Could you two make it?

158
00:09:54,215 --> 00:09:55,171
- Yeah.
- Sure.

159
00:09:55,216 --> 00:09:58,653
'I'm being ushered into the inner ring.

160
00:09:58,857 --> 00:10:04,615
'I bet they make jokes about the Atkins diet
and do prank calls to Gore Vidal in Esperanto.'

161
00:10:06,859 --> 00:10:09,215
So, what do you play in the Bong?

162
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,376
Me? Er, everything. I do everything.

163
00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:15,130
I can't do it all at once so I get them to help.

164
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:19,414
Sometimes at a gig
I'll just cool it with the maracas.

165
00:10:19,462 --> 00:10:20,578
Oh, yeah, like Bez.

166
00:10:20,623 --> 00:10:24,458
No, not like Bez. Nothing like fucking Bez.

167
00:10:24,504 --> 00:10:31,264
Can I ask your advice? I really wanna set up
a label for bands that can't get a deal...

168
00:10:31,306 --> 00:10:36,142
'Maybe she'll suck me off
after the gig. What about Nancy?

169
00:10:36,187 --> 00:10:38,861
'What am I gonna do
when she tries to suck me off? '

170
00:10:38,908 --> 00:10:44,381
capitalist agendas that make
everyone sound basically the same.

171
00:10:44,429 --> 00:10:47,024
Sorry, I'd better just say now...

172
00:10:47,070 --> 00:10:49,539
I've got a girlfriend.

173
00:10:52,432 --> 00:10:55,902
Wow! This is great. But aren't
you gonna max out on your loan?

174
00:10:55,952 --> 00:11:00,072
Fuck it. Get another one. You can always defer.

175
00:11:00,114 --> 00:11:02,753
- To university.
- To university.

176
00:11:02,794 --> 00:11:06,948
'She is so lovely and doesn't even realise.

177
00:11:06,996 --> 00:11:10,546
'No-one's ever told her. I'll tell her. No.

178
00:11:10,597 --> 00:11:12,189
'If she realises, I'm finished.'

179
00:11:12,237 --> 00:11:17,187
Mark. You're here. You didn't say. You're here.

180
00:11:17,238 --> 00:11:19,275
So, how do you two know each other?

181
00:11:19,319 --> 00:11:23,757
Let's not talk that shit.
"This is what I do, I'm from here."

182
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,680
We're all people, after all. With hands and feet.

183
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,997
We met in our tutorial.

184
00:11:30,042 --> 00:11:32,193
You were in a tutorial?

185
00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:36,522
I may party hard,
but I do go to the odd tutorial.

186
00:11:36,564 --> 00:11:41,036
- What?
- You have to, if you do a history degree.

187
00:11:41,085 --> 00:11:42,803
You're doing a history degree?

188
00:11:42,845 --> 00:11:44,199
That's right, Jeremy.

189
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:48,001
He's in a band.
His hearing's gone, all the gigs.

190
00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:52,519
How long are you gonna be here?
Three years?

191
00:11:52,568 --> 00:11:56,039
That's how long undergraduate degrees are.

192
00:11:56,089 --> 00:11:58,843
- So you're not coming back?
- Nope.

193
00:11:58,890 --> 00:12:02,930
So... what shall I do? Rent out your room?

194
00:12:02,971 --> 00:12:06,169
Of course. We've been over this.

195
00:12:06,212 --> 00:12:08,522
- Have we?
- That's right, Jeremy.

196
00:12:08,573 --> 00:12:13,284
But I... I don't understand.

197
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:17,965
Let me get you a drink.
I'll explain everything all over again.

198
00:12:19,256 --> 00:12:20,848
You're stalking her?

199
00:12:20,896 --> 00:12:22,967
No! It's a passionate, romantic gesture.

200
00:12:23,017 --> 00:12:25,577
Right. I won't say a word.

201
00:12:25,617 --> 00:12:27,256
Good luck with the stalking.

202
00:12:27,298 --> 00:12:29,493
I'm not stalking her.

203
00:12:29,538 --> 00:12:31,131
Jeremy, can I have a word?

204
00:12:31,179 --> 00:12:34,934
Yeah, sure, Pete.

205
00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,734
If it's about the amp,
I'd be happy to pay for any damage.

206
00:12:37,781 --> 00:12:39,851
It's Super Hans.

207
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:42,177
He's nicked some booze and stolen a maraca.

208
00:12:42,222 --> 00:12:44,418
I can work with just one.

209
00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:47,261
No, we need a kind of front-man.

210
00:12:47,303 --> 00:12:51,662
Someone to hit a few keys on the sequencer,
make a bit of a show.

211
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:53,696
Would you feel weird about bumping Super Hans?

212
00:12:53,745 --> 00:12:56,306
No. I mean, yeah. But...

213
00:12:56,346 --> 00:13:01,467
No. Yes, initially. But I've thought
about it and... no, I'd feel fine.

214
00:13:01,507 --> 00:13:03,897
All right. Wicked.

215
00:13:05,788 --> 00:13:08,383
'How cheap dare I go?

216
00:13:08,429 --> 00:13:12,628
'Professor MacLeish said "party".
It'll get jumbled in the common lot.

217
00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:16,950
'I could break the �2.99 barrier.
There be monsters.

218
00:13:16,992 --> 00:13:21,942
'I'll dump this and drink the communal lager.
I think I know who's winning.'

219
00:13:21,993 --> 00:13:24,667
Can you ask Mr Rashid
if he's got anything cheaper?

220
00:13:26,394 --> 00:13:28,989
OK. Fair enough.

221
00:13:29,035 --> 00:13:34,064
Mark, they've moved the bus stop.
Our bloody bus stop's been moved.

222
00:13:34,116 --> 00:13:38,828
Everything changes. Five years ago,
I'd have cut off my right leg

223
00:13:38,878 --> 00:13:42,349
just to speak to Professor MacLeish,
now I'm going to his party.

224
00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:44,230
And I'm headlining a band.

225
00:13:44,279 --> 00:13:48,068
'Scuse me, friend, can I see
what you've got in your pocket?

226
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,352
Why? I'm not a student. I am a real person.

227
00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:56,157
Mr Rashid, it's us! Remember?
The El Dude brothers.

228
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:58,671
You gave us that out-of-date hummus.

229
00:13:58,883 --> 00:14:01,352
Jez was really ill
and we laughed about it.

230
00:14:01,404 --> 00:14:03,839
Who the hell put that there?

231
00:14:09,046 --> 00:14:11,163
'I can't believe he called the police! '

232
00:14:11,207 --> 00:14:15,406
I've gotta get out. I'm meant to be
on stage any fucking minute.

233
00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:18,998
What the hell were you thinking?
Why didn't you just pay for it?

234
00:14:19,049 --> 00:14:20,607
They should pay us to eat that crap.

235
00:14:20,649 --> 00:14:24,245
Stealing things just makes everything very cheap.

236
00:14:24,290 --> 00:14:27,328
Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.

237
00:14:27,371 --> 00:14:28,520
Yes. Confused.

238
00:14:29,772 --> 00:14:33,686
I'm supposed to be on stage right now.

239
00:14:33,893 --> 00:14:39,332
I was wondering. Maybe you could,
somehow... take the rap for me.

240
00:14:39,414 --> 00:14:43,044
We could say I was in your thrall.
Like Hindley.

241
00:14:43,095 --> 00:14:48,490
No way. Right now, April's probably
getting chatted up by some student

242
00:14:48,537 --> 00:14:51,928
who's realised she's got the magical
combo of beauty and low self-esteem.

243
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:54,698
OK. Here's the plan.

244
00:14:54,899 --> 00:14:59,690
Good cop, bad cop. I say I'm ill,
Mr Rashid comes in, all sympathetic.

245
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:05,340
You stand there, hit him - gently
but firmly - until he stops...

246
00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:08,055
not moving, but resisting.

247
00:15:08,102 --> 00:15:10,253
We exit posthaste. Yeah?

248
00:15:10,303 --> 00:15:14,695
We murder Mr Rashid? What is it with
you and stealing and murdering today?

249
00:15:14,904 --> 00:15:16,179
You're mad on it.

250
00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:18,500
Great. Let's just do it.

251
00:15:18,545 --> 00:15:24,861
No! There's procedures. We need to go through
the proper channels. All right!

252
00:15:24,907 --> 00:15:29,902
Since you're so set on a life of crime,
no point in adding criminal damage as well.

253
00:15:29,948 --> 00:15:31,667
Ooh!

254
00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:41,225
Great. Cheer up, mate. We're outlaws.
Like Bonnie and Clyde, Butch and Sundance.

255
00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:43,661
I'll leave a tenner and a note.

256
00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:53,503
I don't need a ticket,
I'm in the band. I got waylaid.

257
00:15:53,555 --> 00:15:56,673
I'm not with the shit-munchers.
Do I look like a civilian?

258
00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:02,712
You are gonna be so embarrassed
in about five minutes.

259
00:16:02,758 --> 00:16:07,275
'Scuse me! Sorry. I'm in the band.
I'm in the band. 'Scuse me.

260
00:16:07,319 --> 00:16:11,791
I need to get to the stage. I'm in the... band.

261
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,277
'Shit! I was only half an hour late
and he's already back in the band.'

262
00:16:15,321 --> 00:16:18,041
Oi! Lads! I'm here!

263
00:16:18,082 --> 00:16:21,393
It's me! I say! Lads! Pete!

264
00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:23,911
This faker said he was in the band.

265
00:16:23,963 --> 00:16:28,117
I'm in the band all right.
I've just crossed the fourth wall.

266
00:16:29,805 --> 00:16:33,276
'Crowd-pleaser! '

267
00:16:36,847 --> 00:16:39,726
<i>Let's do itl Let's have itl
Let's have some more of it.</i>

268
00:16:39,808 --> 00:16:43,085
Look, I'm in the band.
You evict me, that's hilarious.

269
00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:48,124
That's not hilarious. You've got my bollock.
You're pulling on my bollock.

270
00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:56,045
I was, like, "Yeah, the book's based on
good source material - Asterix The Gaul!"

271
00:16:56,092 --> 00:16:58,607
LAUGHTER

272
00:16:58,653 --> 00:17:03,728
So, Mark, do you fancy
doing a little piece for Rhombus?

273
00:17:03,774 --> 00:17:07,450
500 words or so, kicking
the shit out of Simon Schama.

274
00:17:07,495 --> 00:17:08,975
Love to.

275
00:17:09,016 --> 00:17:14,250
I could lay into his... accessible,
interesting take on things.

276
00:17:14,297 --> 00:17:16,971
'To enter the elite,
I must shit on my heroes.'

277
00:17:17,018 --> 00:17:21,695
It could be a regular column.
Slaying the middlebrow sacred cows.

278
00:17:21,739 --> 00:17:27,020
'I can pen insights from the flat.
The Zorro of academia.

279
00:17:27,061 --> 00:17:31,294
"'Who is that masked intellectual who
pricks our pomposity?" Ooh, rough.

280
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:33,459
<i>'Miscalculated. Dinner party.</i>

281
00:17:33,503 --> 00:17:38,259
'Still, if I drink it all, no-one need know.'

282
00:17:40,385 --> 00:17:42,262
Special bottle?

283
00:17:42,305 --> 00:17:46,094
Just... mine.
I like to know how much I've drunk.

284
00:17:46,146 --> 00:17:50,186
- Are you driving?
- No, it's in case anything happens.

285
00:17:50,227 --> 00:17:52,059
'He thinks I mean date rape.'

286
00:17:52,108 --> 00:17:54,576
Not date rape. Other things.

287
00:17:54,629 --> 00:18:00,102
April, come and join us.
We're talking about my column.

288
00:18:00,150 --> 00:18:02,711
Cheers, but I'm just gonna read Deidre's play.

289
00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:08,031
Emily Dickinson and Virginia Woolf's search
for a lost Sappho manuscript on Lesbos.

290
00:18:08,072 --> 00:18:10,303
Do you think there could there be a subtext

291
00:18:10,353 --> 00:18:11,627
Great!

292
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:19,104
'Plays, wine, Lesbos... I've arrived!
Just don't mention Bravo Two Zero.'

293
00:18:19,155 --> 00:18:22,034
- Hello.
- Hello.

294
00:18:22,076 --> 00:18:23,510
Do I know you?

295
00:18:23,557 --> 00:18:27,072
No, I'm a friend of Mark's
and I just had my dreams smashed

296
00:18:27,118 --> 00:18:30,315
by the most punctual
electro-dub outfit in Britain.

297
00:18:30,358 --> 00:18:34,592
'Bollocks. He shouldn't be here.
There's limited room in the inner ring.

298
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,596
'That's why it's the inner ring.'

299
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,394
So, you all look pretty happy...

300
00:18:39,441 --> 00:18:42,354
being students.

301
00:18:42,402 --> 00:18:46,601
Well, I've got news for you.
The shit-storm is coming.

302
00:18:46,643 --> 00:18:51,559
That's the real world out there
and let me tell you, baby, it is fucked.

303
00:18:51,604 --> 00:18:56,726
Is that what Dr Chomsky and
Michael Moore told you? In lieu of a degree.

304
00:18:56,766 --> 00:18:58,722
I've got a degree, my friend, oh, yeah.

305
00:18:58,766 --> 00:19:04,604
I was here in the glory years -
mid-'90s. Britpop was kicking off.

306
00:19:04,648 --> 00:19:07,163
Four Weddings had just come out. It was mental.

307
00:19:07,209 --> 00:19:08,642
Four Weddings?

308
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:12,763
It's a... film, Alasdair.
Very popular at the time. About weddings.

309
00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:14,563
You have seen Four Weddings.

310
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:18,764
You make out you're this oh-so-clever professor

311
00:19:18,972 --> 00:19:25,846
who hasn't got time to watch Four Weddings or
Ghostbusters like the rest of us? I'm not buying it.

312
00:19:25,894 --> 00:19:28,648
I spend my free time reading,

313
00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:30,686
rather than watching Ghostbusters!

314
00:19:30,735 --> 00:19:37,370
What is the problem with Ghostbusters? "Oh, look
how many books I've got. I must be clever."

315
00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:41,969
Yeah? Well, let's have a look at some of
these books, see how really great they are.

316
00:19:42,018 --> 00:19:44,408
Jeremy, don't manhandle the books!

317
00:19:44,459 --> 00:19:48,339
Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser.

318
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:53,015
"The look on her face was one of disappointment."

319
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:55,940
That's good, is it? What's good about that?

320
00:19:55,982 --> 00:19:57,655
I don't actually care for Dreiser.

321
00:19:57,703 --> 00:20:02,573
Oh, I see. These are just rows
of books you don't really like.

322
00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:05,298
Do you sit around not reading them?

323
00:20:05,345 --> 00:20:06,494
I think you've said enough.

324
00:20:06,545 --> 00:20:11,176
Jez, why don't you go
and lie in the recovery position?

325
00:20:11,226 --> 00:20:17,747
This is all bollocks. You don't belong here
with the pointy-heads. Tell them.

326
00:20:17,788 --> 00:20:22,260
Tell them that
I'm a hard-working mature student?

327
00:20:22,309 --> 00:20:26,098
He's not a mature student. He's a loan manager.

328
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:29,382
He lives with me and he eats ready
meals and we play Guess the Revels

329
00:20:29,431 --> 00:20:34,666
and watch Men In Black on our massive
telly and have a fucking good time.

330
00:20:35,593 --> 00:20:40,988
- Loan manager?
- I manage my... student loan. I manage... on it.

331
00:20:41,035 --> 00:20:47,475
April, listen, I was thinking, I should really go.
D'you want to go now? With me?

332
00:20:47,516 --> 00:20:52,308
We're gonna smoke a joint and read
Logue's Homer. You can play Helen.

333
00:20:52,358 --> 00:20:54,588
Or I've got six quid.

334
00:20:54,638 --> 00:20:57,358
Let's get two bottles of Thunderbird
and see who can drink theirs fastest.

335
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,912
So, which one's your dorm?

336
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:06,432
Kaiser Soze Hall. D'you know it?

337
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:10,192
Horribly ugly. It's for mature students.

338
00:21:10,243 --> 00:21:15,921
They lock us away in case we infect you
with our diligence and lust for knowledge.

339
00:21:15,964 --> 00:21:22,155
'OK. Dangerously close to getting what I want.
Don't think about Sophie.'

340
00:21:22,206 --> 00:21:23,241
Love your room.

341
00:21:23,286 --> 00:21:28,157
Thanks. The basic undergraduate
lunge for individuality.

342
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:30,324
I've not even seen Betty Blue. Have you?

343
00:21:30,368 --> 00:21:33,406
Yeah. Great sex-and-suicide flick.

344
00:21:33,449 --> 00:21:35,680
Turned a generation of men
onto girls with mental illness.

345
00:21:35,730 --> 00:21:37,925
OK.

346
00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:42,841
'Perfect. The kind of scenario that used to
terrify me that now I can handle.

347
00:21:42,892 --> 00:21:50,050
'Just... lean in or pull her
towards... me and just... simply...

348
00:21:50,094 --> 00:21:55,533
'This is my chance! And I'm doing... nothing.

349
00:21:55,575 --> 00:21:59,125
'I am now, this instant, missing my chance.'

350
00:21:59,176 --> 00:22:02,567
So... I might... turn in.

351
00:22:02,617 --> 00:22:08,296
Er... yeah. OK. Right. I might... go then.

352
00:22:08,339 --> 00:22:10,614
See you soon.

353
00:22:10,659 --> 00:22:14,130
OK. Cool. See you.

354
00:22:17,741 --> 00:22:20,734
'Oh, well. I kept myself pure for Sophie.

355
00:22:20,782 --> 00:22:23,217
'Like nuns do for Christ. I'm not sleeping with him.

356
00:22:23,263 --> 00:22:28,702
' Come on. She can only hurt me emotionally.'

357
00:22:28,744 --> 00:22:32,705
Look, just now I wanted to... make the move.

358
00:22:32,746 --> 00:22:36,740
I just wanna know, if I make the move now,

359
00:22:36,787 --> 00:22:41,623
even though, admittedly,
the moment has sort of... gone,

360
00:22:41,668 --> 00:22:47,620
you're not gonna back away or
look disgusted or anything, are you?

361
00:22:48,230 --> 00:22:50,699
Great. Thanks.

362
00:22:57,352 --> 00:22:59,628
Just gonna go to the loo.

363
00:22:59,673 --> 00:23:01,710
OK.

364
00:23:06,715 --> 00:23:10,629
Sophie. It's Mark here. Sorry to call so late.

365
00:23:10,676 --> 00:23:15,034
I just wanted to remind you
to print the proposal docs

366
00:23:15,077 --> 00:23:17,433
for the big meet tomorrow at 5pm.

367
00:23:17,478 --> 00:23:23,077
Anyway, I'm in Dartmouth,
with a lovely young student girl.

368
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:29,230
I just made the move, which went brilliantly.
Now we're probably gonna go to bed.

369
00:23:29,281 --> 00:23:31,637
See you tomorrow. Bye. >

370
00:23:34,883 --> 00:23:37,078
Mark, listen, I was just thinking.

371
00:23:37,123 --> 00:23:43,155
Don't get me wrong. I like you.
I think I really like you.

372
00:23:43,205 --> 00:23:45,242
And I really like you.

373
00:23:45,286 --> 00:23:50,236
It's just... it's late. I've had a few wines.

374
00:23:50,287 --> 00:23:53,564
I could hardly focus on the bog roll.

375
00:23:53,608 --> 00:23:55,645
Let's do this another night.

376
00:23:55,689 --> 00:23:56,838
Another night?

377
00:23:56,889 --> 00:23:59,609
'Fine. If I hadn't lied about everything.'

378
00:23:59,650 --> 00:24:04,486
No, it's got to be... It should be tonight.

379
00:24:04,531 --> 00:24:09,481
But we've both got to get up early.
It's Babylon at nine.

380
00:24:09,532 --> 00:24:15,131
Let's... tonight. I really feel
that the mood's... right tonight.

381
00:24:15,174 --> 00:24:20,967
We've got three more years.
Let's just... lie here and cuddle.

382
00:24:21,016 --> 00:24:25,374
Oh. Right. Nice cuddle.

383
00:24:29,138 --> 00:24:32,734
Hi. Oh, h... hello, Sophie.

384
00:24:33,739 --> 00:24:37,779
Yes, I'm sorry to have called you so late.

385
00:24:39,381 --> 00:24:44,695
I thought you might be interested
in how things were going for me.

386
00:24:44,742 --> 00:24:47,701
But you're not.

387
00:24:53,144 --> 00:24:56,296
See you after the lecture.

388
00:24:56,345 --> 00:24:59,418
Yeah. See you after the lecture.

389
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:08,983
'At least I never had to watch her
recoil at my scrotal scar.'

390
00:25:09,029 --> 00:25:13,023
She would've done it. Given another
night or two. She would have.

391
00:25:13,070 --> 00:25:18,270
Yeah. So, another notch on the bedpost...

392
00:25:18,311 --> 00:25:19,301
sort of.

393
00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:22,948
'This is OK.
It's just a moment that'll haunt me forever.'

394
00:25:31,235 --> 00:25:36,151
<i>Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me</i>

395
00:25:36,196 --> 00:25:39,348
<i>Just say you never met me</i>

396
00:25:39,397 --> 00:25:42,231
<i>I'm running underground
With the moles</i>

397
00:25:42,278 --> 00:25:44,156
<i>Digging holes.</i>